The Big, Bad, Scary, Horrible D Word... Divorce

my eyes are burning, my throat is watering and my leg can't stop shaking
I'm hurting more outside from the pain inside than was ever thought imaginable.

to hear the words, I don't want to be with you anymore... after 12 LONG years... it's jarring.  It's earth-shatteringly,
unequivocally mind-bending pain.  Especially since you never thought the day would come.  COULD come.
You know you have problems in your marriage.  Who doesn't?  But to have your husband tell you that...

I don't think you could possibly understand until you've actually heard the words.  sure, if you're married or in a relationship,
you can IMAGINE what it might feel like to have your husband say he wants to leave you... you can IMAGINE
how broke you'd feel...
but until you've had the words spoken to you...
until you've begged him to reconsider...
until you've asked him if there is ANY way to make things right... and he laughs, saying "you don't want things right"

do you have any idea what it's like to resent your child?  to feel SO replaced by them that sometimes it hurts to look at them...

please,don't get it wrong... I LOVE my children.  both of them... but I never thought I could feel something other than love towards them, until I felt replaced.
My husband literally stopped being my husband 8 years ago, when we had our special needs child.  He became my roommate.

***TMI ALERT!***
sure, we have sex every so often (I think the count was 2 last year, although fellatio was at an all time high, mostly because I felt the innate desire to feel closer to him.)

***END TMI***


it's a pain that no one could bear.... like being on fire, but being freezing at the same time... like withdrawl, but only from your life.  you see what you want, you're looking at it, but through mile-thick glass...

you can't even bring yourself to cry, because you've cried SO much, that you're not even sure if you're crying or just being.  Crying has become a way of life.  A day-to-day thing, like waking up, or taking a shit.

eyes are burning again... I must be awake, because it hurts.  my eyes.... no tears, just burning.  I don't think i'm fighting the tears, not really... actually, I think i'd welcome them. the smell of salt streaming down my face.
nothing. burning eyes, and nothing.

I want to...so want to escape... to escape into a world of pain-free, enjoyment... but there is no life, other than the one I've built for myself.  The concrete walls, rebar and bars surround me from
the life outdoors.  it's mental, sure, but physical all the same.
I want to escape how I feel.  I feel alone, set aside, forgotten, replaced, unloved, unwanted.